BRINKLEY, ARKANSAS – “Seems like Harpo just had enough of life on the farm,” jokes Connor O’Keefe. “He always did have dreams of the big city life.” O’Keefe owns the steer that mysteriously made off with his car and was found seven miles from the farm toward Brinkley.
Sgt. Will Bishop of the Brinkley Sheriff’s Department tranquilized the animal before jumping into the moving car and applying the brakes. “I’m just wondering how he made that left turn,” said the baffled Bishop. Since the incident, Harpo has been listless and seems to stare longingly toward Brinkley.
Image Adaption: Michael Jastroch
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MOSCOW, RUSSIA – Surveillance photos recently released by the Department of Defense reveal that the Russian air command has been training the undead and the recently deceased as paratroopers. Charles Milling of the CIA’s Clandestine Service, circled in the photo above, infiltrated the Russian Military to gather this bizarre intelligence.
“It’s crazy. They string wire through the bones to keep them intact and then I don’t know what. The damn things just come alive and they won’t die,” said an overly-worked-up Milling. “I’m gonna kill ‘em dead, though.” Milling redeploys to the Russian capital city next month.
Image Adaption: Michael Jastroch
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MALAGA, SPAIN – It seems there’s a new religious group in town for residents of one city on the southern coast of Spain. Pilgrims have been flocking from all over the world to witness (and some to worship) the black magic practiced by this furry trio.
Witnesses claim that the kittens have brought fellow members of the animal kingdom back to life. The newly resurrected lose all pigment in the reanimation process like their albino saviors. Hopeful pet owners have traveled sometimes thousands of miles with their own deceased critters in hopes that the cuddly practitioners of black magic will reunite them with their animal companions.
Image Adaption: Michael Jastroch
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A couple of stupid kids watch the unabducted whale
HILO, HI – Unidentified flying… Orcas?… or humpbacks? Emily walker woke up last night to strange noises that sounded like her garage door opening. Thinking her husband was back early from a business trip, she ran outside. What she was greeted with, however, was a flying saucer attempting to draw in a 44-ton whale with its tractor beam.
“The whale kept going up and down as the UFO was struggling to bring it on the ship,” said an oddly unaffected Walker. After nearly five minutes of trying, the alien craft tried to whip the mammal up and instead lost its grip and flung the beast onto some rocks near the coast.
Image Adaption: Michael Jastroch
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Buffalo, NY – Fay Sanders, 73, takes the offensive in a minor standoff between American senior citizens and the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. AARP member and First Baptist Church of Lancaster, Pennsylvania bake sale runner-up Sanders fired off two rounds, nearly hitting a military Humvee before authorities captured her and two accomplices. The border patrol confiscated $125,000 (US) in a variety of prescription medications.
“This kind of thing is so common now that we don’t even report ‘em anymore if there aren’t any casualties,” said a weary Inspector Cheneau. The FDA estimates that a group of seniors crosses the borders with foreign prescriptions once every seven minutes.
Image Adaption: Michael Jastroch
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ELIZABETH, NJ – Captain Richard Weber of the Elizabeth, New Jersey Police Department thought it was a prank last December when he got the first in a string of dozens of reports that a real-life tooth fairy had burglarized the house of a local dentist. “I thought it must just be some crazy jerk dressed in a costume. But then the reports came in that the burglar was seen flittering off into the night.”
The fairy, once thought to just be a folk myth, steals money and jewels and leaves teeth under the pillows of the homeowners. A police sketch artists’ rendering of the flying crook has garnered no responses as to her whereabouts.
Concept: Arthur Simone
Image Adaption: Michael Jastroch
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Uh oh, the comics are coming to life! Recently American photographer Christopher Menge found this Crab-eating Macaque (Macaca fascicularis) while on a nature hike in Thailand. Menge spotted the primate searching for food and quickly took aim with his camera. The noise alarmed the primate, whereupon he turned toward the shudder-bug and displayed his sharp claws. “I took one picture and realized this monkey was gunning for me, so I hightailed it out of there,” said Menge, still shaken hours after the incident.
Writer Len Wein and art director John Romita Sr., Marvel’s “creators” of the popular X-Man character declined to comment on the discovery.
Concept: Arthur Simone
Image Adaption: Michael Jastroch
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Move over Michael Jackson. It turns out the real kings of break dancing are the Nazis! In a 1935 production of the musical “Anything Goes” put on by officers from Hitler’s Secret Police, actor Captain Helmut Geiger fell while dancing in the number “I Get a Kick Out of You.”
The performer incorporated the fall into the dance much to the delight of The Furher. Honored by Hitler’s praise, Geiger developed the dance with fellow soldiers. Break dancing made its way west in the early 1970s, but it has been a controversial part of the annual Germany Dance and Heritage Festival for nearly seventy years.
Concept: Arthur Simone
Image Adaption: Michael Jastroch
Leave a comment | tags: Arthur Simone, break dancing, Hitler, Justin York, Michael Jackson, Michael Jastroch, Nazi, Satire | posted in WWN
For those of you looking for information on another Justin York–for example, the Christian rock star–I am sorry to disappoint. This is Justin York of Austin (within Texas) and New Orleans. Among other things, I am co-owner of ColdTowne Theater. I perform with my troupe ColdTowne every Wednesday night. Come check us out.
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